My precious children,
These days, I am exhausted. When you were babies and I was
functioning on fumes I longed for sleep. I would catch myself nodding off as
you nursed or as I rocked you back to sleep in the middle of the night, singing
softly to you, trying to not stimulate you too much but soaking in every single
moment. I would rub my face against your soft little head and inhale your smell
and become overwhelmed that you were actually made from me. I helped create you
and I couldn’t believe it sometimes… I didn’t deserve this. You would nestle
against me knowing I was your source for food and life and there was no other
calling in my life that I wanted besides this one.
I thought I would be past this when you were no longer a
toddler. Mornings began with your cry for “mama” and I was the chosen one for
all things. Whether you needed a diaper change, food, comfort for a pain, or
just needed love, it was me that you came to. Days were full to the very end.
You were attached to me.. you crawled on me.. you pulled on me.. I was your
jungle gym and play mat.. your favorite spot to sleep. Nights brought sweet
moments of me reading you books while you were fresh from your bath in your
soft pajamas snuggled in my lap. I would lay you in your bed, ready for rest
but not wanting to be apart from you for the whole night. Neither of us could get enough of the snuggles
that everyone else seemed to think should smother me.
Your childhood was full. You might not remember everything.
We used to load in the car on Saturday mornings to go to yard sales. You would
eat dry cereal out of a plastic container and then smell like Cinnamon Toast
Crunch all day. We spent more Sunday’s at Granny’s than I can count and I am
thankful that she knew you. I wish Papa had. He would have been completely
crazy about you. You have been taught to love family and family is first after
God. We have played for hours in the backyard together on the swing and in your
sandbox, drove your Barbie Jeep ‘round and ‘round the neighborhood, went to the
park so many days and played with friends, had Chick-Fil-A dates, went on many
vacations to the mountains and the beach, Disney and other fun places. We have
done cheer, gymnastics and so many fun things. We have always tried to teach
you to love God and other people and show you that church really is another
home and to love it like your own. We have tried to teach you to serve others.
But now… These days, I am exhausted. Mostly my soul is weary
causing extreme physical, bone-tired, cannot move, and could sleep for day’s
exhaustion. You are growing up. You are pulling away from me. You don’t want to
snuggle in my lap anymore.. even if you could fit. Sometimes we argue over
everything and nothing at all. There are times you think I don’t like you but
nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, I like you too much. How
could I not? You make my heart stop with your funny, wonderful personality. Sometimes
I think I could burst from how proud I am of you. You are beautiful and I wonder
how you can be so pretty. Why are you not in that weird teenage phase? I look
back at my pictures as a teen and I was so awkward. You seem to have it so
“together” already. I wish I had been more like you at your age. You impress me
with little things that you know and do all the time.
But then comes that mothering part that still has to exist
and that is the problem. You know a part of me that most don’t. It can pretty
ugly.. but if you look closely it can be pretty beautiful. Because the ugliest
part of me is brought on by the beautiful.. because of my fierce love for you. When
I look at you, I don’t see a grown woman about to go out into the world on her
own. I see a chubby little girl with full cheeks and full lips reaching up to
me asking me to hold her. So the ugly part of me that you see comes from loving
you hard. It comes from wanting you to be the best you can be. I take my job of
raising you seriously and want to send you out as a responsible, respectful and
loving person. I have worn myself out for many years serving you, giving
everything up for you and loving you. I have done so without even thinking
about it and would do it again over and over. My life isn’t about me. Before I
even knew you were alive, my heart was beating for you, my child, and will
continue to do so until my heart beats its last beat. I have no greater honor
than being your mom. There has never been anything in my life that has taught
me more about God’s love like being your mama. Every single time I have yelled
at you, grabbed your arm or acted in a way I shouldn’t, God forgave me. Nothing
makes me crazier; nothing makes me happier.
I used to pray for myself. Now my prayers are for you and
your sisters. And for myself.. to be a better mama to you. I consider you my
greatest mission field above anything I could ever do. When you think I have rules that don’t make
sense to you, remember they will. When I
yell at you for rolling your eyes at me or speaking disrespectful and you don’t
think you have done anything, one day you will see it. When I push you to read
your Bible and pray and spend time with Jesus because He loves you so much..
one day you will understand.. you will KNOW. And when you think I am tough and
strict and all of the other mom’s aren’t, you will understand why one day.. you
will know they were stricter than your friends made it look like and you will understand why I am hard on you sometimes.. just like my mama was hard on
me and her mama was hard on her..
So I think we would be much less tired.. if you could realize
this all now. But I realize you won’t. And soon you will be grown.. and gone.
And one day you will have a child of your own. And goodness how you will love
that sweet one with every single thing that you are.. and when that child
becomes a teenager, you will remember… and you will know that every single
thing I did was because I love you with the deepest of love. One day you will
know…
